one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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