just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
