chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
