The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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