You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
