Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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