God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
