I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
