the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
