Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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