He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.