so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
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I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out