I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
