I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
