so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
