And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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