I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
dude. I can hear the air.
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