I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
