omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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