I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
