Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
