one word: firstdatebathroomanal
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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