i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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