just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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