Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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