the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
