What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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