K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
