Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
