She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
