That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
