Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
