I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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