Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
FUCK WHALES
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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