roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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