That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
