i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
