I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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