I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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