So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
