plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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