Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
