Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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