Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
