this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
