Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
