I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
