I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just found a bag of teeth...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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