Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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