Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
