why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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