the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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