Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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