I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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