capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
