i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
