shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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