If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
